I was cleaning out some documents from Google Drive and found an old filed named Homework dated December 2008.
I read this very raw journal entry; it was stream of consciousness writing, never edited and never meant to be seen. It was named homework because the physical therapist I was working with at the time asked me to make an effort to journal as he felt stress was contributing, however slightly, to my excruciating pain issues.
As I read this, well, first I thought it was funny (funny weird, not funny ha-ha) how I described my pain, that thing I would feel as I got started with my day that was an indicator I might just have a terrible day.
Then the memories flooded back. The crying in secret because I could do nothing to make it better and no one wanted to know about it. It was so chronic that it felt I was always complaining and negative and that was very discouraged by my husband. His attitude was very get over it, just get your shit done.
I can’t believe I’m bawling while writing this but I’m so pissed at that version of myself. I know I was physically worn out which made it hard to be emotionally strong but reading this frustrates me to no end that I stayed and put up with it all.
This was almost SIX years before I started thinking about leaving. NOTHING changed for the better in that time; it only progressively and gradually got worse.
Here it is. Unedited. [Mostly–I had to hit enter to break it up!]
Why am I angry? I’m angry because I woke up this morning and thought, I might be okay today. Then I get up and no, I’m feeling a bit dull in the butt. I think I might feel better after I get to the bathroom.
But first, I have to let out the dogs. So I go to the toilet and sit there, and then gas, and a soft stool and pee. I feel a little better. I go to feed the cats and dogs. No, I don’t feel better.
I put the laundry in the dryer and go out to the patio to breathe and do the melting snowman in the cool air–I feel hot, is that why I get like this? Am I overheating? I was hot when I woke up. Well I feel better temporarily but I start moving again and it sucks.
I go upstairs to take a shower. I lay on the floor to get past the pain, do some stretching. Again, I feel better temporarily but not great.
I get ready to go, and [he] is still in bed. I ask if he’s getting up and he goes back and forth with me on why am I asking and he is going in late and he mumbles while I’m in the closet which drives me nuts.
And I’m angry that he is complaining about not feeling well. What does he know about not feeling well? He thinks his dinner didn’t agree with him. Well, isn’t that his fault? He wanted me to pick up that takeout from Mi Pueblo, he won’t even call it in for me, I barely made it there before they closed, we ate at 9 p.m. I was at the [support group] and he calls about dinner.
Of course there isn’t anything for him to make for himself because I have been trying to buy groceries for healthy meals, which he doesn’t know how to cook. And I haven’t been to the grocery in 2 or 3 weeks, so I am stressed that I need to go, we’re out of so much and I don’t have time for it and why can’t he pick up some slack? It’s mostly his crap that we’re out of anyway. I don’t even drink soda.
I have to buy the dog food before they are out. If I only have time/energy for one or the other, I have to do the dog food but he is over there asking about his soda. Yeah, it pisses me off. I try to be grateful for him and what he does do, but it seems like the other side is overwhelming.
Does he just not get that I feel horrible? I have felt really bad 3 days this week, and marginally bad another, so I had two okay days. That ratio sucks.
The kitchen is a mess. The kitchen table is covered in stuff. My end table is covered in stuff. The mail bin is overflowing. My desk at home is covered in stuff. I’m behind on everything. I have no help. I don’t even know how anyone would help anyway. It’s my crap, I just don’t know what to do with it or I don’t get to it and then the next thing comes in. I’m very unmotivated to get anything done and that pisses me off.
I want to be organized and make decisions easily and not have clutter and have a place for everything that makes sense, but really I just want to lay on the couch and do nothing and put my feet up on the back of the couch so my back will stop hurting temporarily. But I have to go to work and go to classes and go run errands and go out with friends and see family and go, go, go.